Stephen: In honor of Scott Pilgrim vs. The World hitting theaters this week, I thought I might be fun to throw down in the geekiest of fashions: "Who would win in a fight, [blank] or [blank]"!
One of us will propose a fight, any character from any company against another character from any company. Then the other will respond to the prompt, however seriously or ridiculously they chose. Then the originator of the bout will have to do a quick sketch of the fight in progress!
I set the format, so you set the tone with Round 1!
Gregg: This could get meta in that we’ll be having a discussion of battles while we have our own aktch-battle…hmm…
Okey-doke…first battle:
Who would win in a fight, Captain America or The Astounding Wolf-Man?
Stephen: My first inclination was to run to the back issue bins and remind myself how Cap fared during "Cap Wolf", but we were completely out of vol. 1 #402-407! Then I was gonna say that Wolf-man would completely tear Cap apart, but that would be me believing the hype Zechariah tried to spin around Gary. Cap is the master strategist, but I think I'd have to give it to Wolf-man, especially if there's a full moon. I don't see how Cap could defend against the berserker animal rage, even with the shield. The Sentinel of Liberty's best bet would probably be to appeal to Wolf-man's humanity, maybe invoking his daughter Chloe, and getting him to calm down long enough to clock him but good.
Round 2! Who would win in a fight, Richard Dragon, Kung Fu Fighter vs. Magnus, Robot Fighter!?
Gregg: Boy oh boy, two characters I know VERY little about. Theoretically, Magnus has some level of super strength, as every image I can recall shows his slicing through a robot with his bare hands…in which case he might be able to slice a Richard Dragon in half just as easily. BUT, Richard Dragon is not a robot, and Magnus is a robot fighter, so it could be said Magnus is ill equipped, technique-wise, to fight another human (like raising a wild animal in captivity and then releasing it into the wild; they don’t know what to do). So, in a moment of confusion, when Magnus realizes he’s fighting a man and not a robot, Richard Dragon will kung fu him to victory.
That said, in a fashion-off, Magnus’ skirt and white boots beats whatever Richard Dragon could possibly come up wth.
Round 3! Who would win in a fight, Kitty Pryde vs. Buffy, The Vampire Slayer?
Stephen: I can't believe you're making choose like this! You're evil!
But cat fight, huh? The determining factors in this one for me would have to be if Buffy's scythe from season 8 had the ability to cut through Kitty while she's phased, it being magic and all. Then I would think Kitty is toast. If it just wears her down the way the metal in ASTONISHING X-MEN did, then Kitty's got Buffy beat hands down. Kitty is a ninja via Wolverine's training in WOLVERINE AND KITTY PRYDE and Buffy was never very good at her own training. Also, Kitty is kind of like Sue Storm in that the full destructive ability of her power has never been realized, except in the out of continuity WHAT IF? ASTONISHING X-MEN, where she ripped Emma heart out, I think to prevent the Phoenix Force from taking her over.
Round 4! Who would win in a fight, Iron Man vs. the Great Machine from Ex Machina?
Gregg: Come on, this is a gimme! The Great Machine wins with two words, “Shut Down.” The guy talks to machines! Tony Stark/Iron Man might be a techno wizard…a technology whisperer, if you will, but Mitchell Hundred wouldn’t even need to suit up. Otherwise, armor v. jetpack is no contest in the reverse.
I’ve got another one in me:
Round 5! Who wins in a fight, The Thing vs. Finn (the human) from Adventure Time?
Stephen: At first I was wondering how any human could beat the Thing, since I have no idea with Adventure Time is and my only experience with the show was the funny hats everyone was wearing at Comic Con last month. Having read up on it, I've gotta give it to Finn, but maybe in a way where they could still be friends, like the misunderstanding that begins every great team-up. I've also decided that I've gotta find out about this show. To paraphrase the Wiki:
Finn (voiced by Zack Shada in short, Jeremy Shada in series) - A 12-year-old human boy who enjoys defeating evil forces and is skilled at multiple forms of combat. He is shown to have a crush on Princess Bubblegum, though he tries to hide it. He wears a self-proclaimed 'awesome hat' that covers his blond hair, and is prone to strange exclamations and outbursts. He has a lust for adventure and will help anyone in need. Finn is known to be bad at math, although his spontaneous outbursts imply an appreciation of the subject (e.g. 'Algebraic!'). Though he can swim, he has an intense fear of the ocean. Whenever he sings, it has an electronic sound to it; all because he swallowed a small computer. He is the main protagonist of show.
Sounds awesome!
Gregg: You know, I blame myself. I thought you were more familiar with Adventure Time. It, like Batman: The Brave and the Bold, is a show I’m quite a fan and champion of.
For what it’s worth, here’s how it’d really go down:
Finn would come across The Thing and, mistaking him for a rock troll would challenge him. The Thing would growl and with that, the fight would begin…but there’d be no winner, as Finn would hear, amidst the sounds of battle, giggling. And with that, he’d learn his friend and adventure partner, Jake the dog, used his ability to shape-shift to turn his hind quarters/butt into a replica of The Thing. The real Ben Grimm, in on the gag from the beginning, would be hiding behind the bushes laughing along.
This, of course, is purely speculative and highly specific fan-fiction.
More than that, it was an excuse to talk up Adventure Time and draw those characters (albeit, not “on model” as they appear on TV).
Stephen: We've got our big 50th column coming up next week, and in modern comic fashion it's sure to be double-sized and unforgettable and will change everything...or at least one thing...
Until then ask yourself, "Who would win in a fight? Me or Gregg!?"
Gregg Schigiel is a cartoonist, illustrator, and writer. He's worked as a penciller, writer and editor for Marvel Comics and an illustrator and cartoonist at Nickelodeon. In addition, he's in various stages of cooking up new comics-related works, unless he's too preoccupied actually cooking. Check out his website at Hatter Entertainment.com.
Stephen Mayer makes his mama proud by eating the cheeseburger he bought for lunch even though he wasn't hungry anymore and buying both the score and soundtrack for Scott Pilgrim vs. the World.
